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Friends

Growing up I always had such a big heart, and still today that heart still manages to beat as strong. I would always find it in my heart to forgive people, and always find it impossible to stay mad without feeling guilty.  Its just not my style. I always believe that you should treat people the way that you want to be treated.  To cherish every moment that life makes, and to show people that you love what they mean to you.  Life is too short for anything less!
However, fr a brief moment in my life I tried something a little different, where i was mad at who ever was mad at me and I stayed mad just as long as they did, but that was the worse year of my life.  Worse ever, that wasnt me, it was what I hated most about the other person.  SO I went back to my old habits and I let people who I called good friends treat me like crap and make me feel so bad for no reason.
  It was ok to me bc I love my friends.  Well wrong, thats not ok anymore.  Its not ok to have friends like that.  It not ok to have miserable friends that look for fights with you, who ignore you, who are only out in life for themselves. Friends that dont even let you have an opinion bc if they dont like what you say then they just get pissed.   They are fake, they arent even real.  They try to come across as nice people but its actually sickening and sad to see how much anger and nastiness someone can have inside them.  I feel bad for people like this.  Ive lost respect, ive lost the ability to open up, Ive lost my ability to even use the words friends.
With that off my chest, I do have some of the greatest friends that life could have served me.  Friends that listen when I talk, that care,  that are always there when I need them, friends that when asking how are you actually wait around to get the response.  I can tell anything to them, I can be me and I dont have to worry about making anyone upset, bc there love is unconditional.  Its true blessed friendship.  Id give them the world, and know together we would dance around it.  Ill love my best friends for life.

What i want in 2010

I never imagined that the yr 2010 would get here and with a blink of an eye here it is! I started the year with a big move as I already told you! But what else is to come for me this year? This year my goals are:
-passing the praxis II
-obtaining my NJ teaching license
- run my first marathon in Yonkers(train for autism)
-get hired for a teaching job
-run the chris thater memorial 5k
These are my goals! They are 100% mine and nobody elses! I am excited to take them on and even more excited about how I am going to feel after I accomplish them one at a time!
Ill keep you posted and write about each one as i tackle them!
Reach for the stars and never give up!

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What i want in 2010

I never imagined that the yr 2010 would get here and with a blink of an eye here it is! I started the year with a big move as I already told you! But what else is to come for me this year? This year my goals are:
-passing the praxis II
-obtaining my NJ teaching license
- run my first marathon in Yonkers(train for autism)
-get hired for a teaching job
-run the chris thater memorial 5k
These are my goals! They are 100% mine and nobody elses! I am excited to take them on and even more excited about how I am going to feel after I accomplish them one at a time!
Ill keep you posted and write about each one as i tackle them!
Reach for the stars and never give up!

Posted via LiveJournal.app.

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Our big move

In two days,  we will have been living in New Jersey for one month.  So far I have to say that I really do love it.  I love having my family back together.  Life seems so much easier, and there seems to be less stress.  I think its because I am finally getting time for myself again.  Its not only about taking care of the kids all day everyday.  I get to do what I need to do and am enjoying it.  Oh you probably want to know what that is, its the gym.  Its where I go to clear my mind, get out anything thats bothering me and a place that just makes me feel good.  I dont go because I feel like Im fat and want to loose weight.   I go so that I can be healthy for my family.  I go because I love exercising and I love eating.  I dont go for anybody else but me and it makes me feel awesome.
The kids seems to adjusting very well.  Devin is doing awesome in school and is making friends.  We went on our first outing with a friend on friday. Devin and I double dated with his friend Shaun and his mother.  We had a great time.  We went to see the movie The Tooth fairy. I highly suggest you bring your children. We really clicked and decided that we would love to get together more often and even just go hang out without the boys.  Yay another friend.  Oh why did I bring up the word friend.  That has really been my only missing since Ive been here.  I really miss my friends.  My bestest girls, girls that I would do anything for and I feel would do anything for me.  I cant just say Im having a bad day and someone would be at my door in 15 min.  I can call them on the phone or text them but its just not the same.  I guess the times that I will see them will just have to be more special.  I guess that if we really are friends that our bond and friendship will hold no matter how little we see each other.  I know im a true friend and would do anything for my girls, and I hope it holds true for a life time because I couldnt imagine life without them.  I love you muah. 
Well back to my kids, Devin joined and began playing soccer for the Edison United Soccer Association.  He was a little upset bc the kids are his age and he was used to playing with older kids but he said this week that he does really like it.  Thank you God.  I think he will go far with soccer as long as his heart continues to stay in it.  I wont push him and push him.  I support his decisions and want him to enjoy his childhood as much as possible, bc its gonna go very fast.  I am thankful he is adjusting so well and I look forward to watching him grow and prosper.  Logan, lol is Logan.  He is as happy as can be.  Everyday he is developing his own little personality.  Dancing around the house, singing, playing with his choo-choos, watching gaba gaba and continuously coping his big brother.  He did have difficulty getting used to his room but he is getting better.
So overall life in NJ is really good.  Everything has been alot easier then I visioned.  I am happy!

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NO diet resolution for me

For those who know me they know that year after year I have always made a new years resolution that I am going to loose weight!  Wow come to think of it, thats the only one I have ever made.  But this year I didnt and many people wanted to know why!  So, instead of keeping it to my self I have decided to share my story because I stand proud and tall.
Growing up I have always been pretty chunky, and then as the years passed by I was adding on pound after pound until my very small 5'2" body reached its moments in high school at 190lbs.  I didnt feel good about myself, always comparing myself to the other girls.  Feeling jealous because they were all on dates and I never was.  At around the age of 14 I tried my first diet which never lasted more then about 2 days.  Id go through periods in the summer where I would hide in my room and try to exercise as much as I could, but that always failed. I Dreaded the thought of the junior prom because I was too fat to put on a dress and it was even worse for the senior prom.  No one ever called me names, or made fun of me but I knew I hated who I was when I looked in the mirror.   But at that point dieting was never a priority because I hated the fact that my step dad had to always eat healthy and never could miss a workout and my mom was always on a diet.  She always complained about her weight and he was always spending hrs in the mirror between working out or trying to look perfect.  So instead of letting that life style take me over I never ventured down the path.  I stayed active playing sports but kept eating away. 
Then trouble hit, as I sat in my dorm room at Oneonta State during my freshman year.  I was going to diet with no pressure from anyone, on my own my way.  So I started trying to eat healthy and go to the gym.  Well after what I thought to be the hardest week of my life  without my daily consumption of fatty foods and no fun working out, I was not pleased with my one week results.  I decided Im just not going to eat as much and exercise more.  This was the beginning of what I call a nightmare. Despite my friends failed attempts to make me understand that I was int trouble and needed help I continued to diet. Everyday I began to eat less and less and less, and work out more and more and more.  I was down to 300 calories a day and then down to eating every other day and so on.  I lost 95 pounds in two months with 3 visits to the ER.  Even though I was hurting myself, I felt so good on the inside.  I liked being smaller, I liked feeling what I thought was pretty. 
Upon returning home, my parents became quickly concerned and began watching what I ate.  I was scared all the weight was going to come back, so I needed to find something else.  I began to use laxatives.  I would pretend to eat my food as much as I could, by cutting it up alot, moving it from side to side around my plate, and then taking laxatives.  The more I ate, the more I took until I was up to the entire box and in so much pain from virtually killing my body.   This was the lifestyle that I led year after year even with the completion of a program at an institution for eating disorders.
Today, I am proud to say that I have not returned to this painful, style of living.  I have not dieted or restricted myself in 16 months.  I have never felt better about who I am, and never happier with the way that I look.  I exercise because I love it not because I feel that I have too.  I want to be a positive role model for my children and want to be alive to see them prosper into fine men. 
This is why I will never make a resolution to loose weight again.  Its scary watching others do it since I have been down the road. 
I am so thankful to be living life again to the fullest!

Proud to be me!

Why

Do you ever sit back and wonder why people say the things that they say to you.  Why people cant just be open and honest all the time.  I believe if you have to hide the way you feel about someone or something then why even bother being friends.  I believe its important to be open and honest, bc if something happens you don't have regret to live with.  I believe that you only live life once so you shouldn't hide how or who you are.  You cant get all the moments that you waste back.  Live for each and everyday, live like its your last.

Logans Boo-boo

The worst feeling one could face, is seeing your child scream in fear and not being able to help.  Thats what I went through last night, and the sadness still lingers in my heart today.  You see it all happened last night while I was giving the kids a bath.  I was getting Devin out of the tub when my little Logan attempted for the first time to climb out himself.  However, he slipped and smacked his head off of the radiator and blood squirted everywhere.  I picked him up and immediately applied a towel and pressure to his wound.  I had to hurry and get him and my other son dressed so I cold get him to the hospital. It felt like it was taking  forever, but in fact it was pretty quick.  My friend Tina met me at the hospital, which I was very thankful for. Then my brother chris and his girlfriend Lisa brought me the diaper bag and stuff bc I totally ran out without anything.  At the hospital, my friend spoke up with her attitude and requested a plastic surgeon, which I was thankful for bc its so much easier getting what you need when you have attitude.  And i may add she has ATTITUDE lol.  Anyways they called the plastic surgeon and he was there in about 15 min which was very awesome.  Then the hard part came!  They put a pillow case on my sons arms, wrapped him in a sheet and then strapped him to a board so he couldnt move.  He cried so hard and what felt like so long.  It was the worse and the longest moments of my life.  I couldnt help him bc the plastic surgeon kept telling me to move away.  He actually asked me also if I was just going to sit there and cry.  What a complete piece of shit I thought!  Anyways, he did his job and was gone in a blink of an eye, and I finally got to hold my baby again.  It was so hard, Im glad its over.

Mothers Day

Happy Mothers day! These words keep hitting my ears.  This is a day to give thanks to our moms, and show them how much we cherish them.  A day to treat mom better then ever, to pamper her, and make her the most special woman ever.
You see, I am a mother!  A mother of 2 magnificent boys.  My oldest, is Devin and hes 5.  My youngest, is Logan and hes 1 day shy of 11 months.  There are the greatest gift I have ever received!  I couldn't have been blessed with anything more, they are the light of my world!
But today behind every smile is a bit on emptiness and sadness!  More so then any other day!  You see, I lost my mom about 2 years ago  to cancer!  She faught so hard for so long and just couldn't fight anymore.  Cancer defeated her entire body.
I miss her so much!  She was the strongest woman that I have ever met.  No one else will ever compare to her.  She was my best friend in the entire world.  She made me who I am today.  I would give anything to hear her voice one last time, to touch her, to hold her, to kiss her.  But I know I cant have it!
I guess you can figure out why the emptiness and sadness.  Its not a happy Mothers day when you don't have a mother to be happy for!
I love you mom!

thoughts

Did you ever wonder why we can spend endless hours watching reality tv shows, or reading magazines like Star and US to find out what going on in the life of celebrities or other people,  Yet, we don't even spend time thinking about our own families  and friends like that!  Truly its sad!  We become shocked when two celebrities get married one day and divorced the next, yet Mary and Pat down the street have been married for 35 years yet we don't think twice about it!  Does anyone think if we spent more time thinking about family, friends, loved ones, neighbors or coworkers life would be more radiant and fulfilling?

Tradgedy in Binghamton

As I sat in the dinning room making airplane noises and feeding my son Logan sweet potatoes and turkey the phone rings!  It was my BFF Alicia who was in a panic and frightened mood!  Her boyfriend who is on the SWAT team was called to an open fire shooting at the American Civilization center!  I couldn't believe it, how serious could it be I thought!  Moments later it was all over the news!  Some dead and others being held hostage!  My thoughts were, this is my home town, my community, my place of belonging!  This is where I am raising two little children!  I sat the rest of the afternoon watching the story unfold on CNN, with racing thoughts running wild in my mind!  This could happen to anyone at anytime!  I cant waste life wishing for things that will never come I thought to myself, I have to love what I have and enjoy and be eveything I can! Kiss my family and let them know how much I love them all so very much!

Update: 12 dead , 5 in the hospital injured and the gunman shot himself

My heart pounded, tears fell to my face!

Prayers and love for all those who lost there life or are injured in the hospital!  My deepest sympathy to those families who will be affected and to the community as one!